She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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