so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
