True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
