pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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