hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
