You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
