just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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