if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My penis needs a shock collar
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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