I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
