im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I will be naked everywhere
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
don't judge my taste in strippers
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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