I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Randomize
