I can text with my tongue
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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