Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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