I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
