This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
