Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
