my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
