Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
