So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
