A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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