smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize