I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
