i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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