I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You dont lie about slip and slides
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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