Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
