Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
