We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
