It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
