I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My pussy is not your playground.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
