Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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