it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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