I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
