Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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