Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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