Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize