if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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