Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
