i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
