and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
