talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
