Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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