Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
