I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
