so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize