My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
