my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
