Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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