I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
