Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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