Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
