Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize