he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
it's great music for shaving your balls
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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