My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
