Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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