you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I got inside last night via doggy door
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
