I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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