I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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