i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
