Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
This toilet bowl is my home.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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