Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
