I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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