booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize