You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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