Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
