the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
