Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize