I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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