i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We need a shit load of segways right now
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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