hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
