I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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